Friday, October 21, 2011


Laura's car is a piece of shit. Ok, I take that back. Calling it a piece of shit is taking it a bit far, but it has seen its better days. Over the years its had its fair share of issues, so when she told me one of her windows was broken and wouldn't go up, I wasn't surprised. It's not the fact that the car is too old, or not a good car. I mean, the thing is a Honda and should go another 120,000 miles. It is the fact that she drives the thing like a damn bumper car. Just take a look at her bumpers and you'll see what I'm talking about. She's rear-ended people, sideswiped her own car while driving someones else's, backed into just about everything imaginable, and almost drove through our garage door.  Laura has a bunch of great qualities about her, driving just isn't one of them.

For the last month she has driven around with her passenger window down, allowing whatever wants to come in the car, to freely come on in. Whether its the forty degree temperatures when she drives to work at six in the morning, or the monsoon like rain that passes through the area every couple of days, its made itself comfortable on the passenger seat of her car recently.  For some reason Laura was too proud to tape a garbage bag over the window because she thought it would make her car "look like crap." Personally, I'm not sure how much crappier it could possibly look, and actually think it could potentially hide some of the cars flaws. I mean what's more embarrassing? Driving with a dark bag covering your open window during a hurricane, or having people watch you struggle to not drown as your drive down route 1.

Police Officer - "Sir, have you been drinking tonight."

Me - "No sir, just taking my girlfriends car down to the body shop to fix her broken window."

Anyways, I was free yesterday, and started to feel pretty bad for her piece of shit car, so I decided to take the thing down to a dealership my uncle works at to get an idea why the window won't go up. We take it over to the Collision Center and the mechanic comes out to inspect the problem. He tries the window a few times and sees that it won't budge. "Hmmm, looks like there may be a problem with the motor." He tries it a few more times. "Yeah, its got to be the motor." He pauses to think for a minute, then looks at me. "The window lock button isn't pressed over there is it?" In my head I quickly think to myself, "come on buddy, she's been driving around in the cold, soaking wet rain for the last month! I think she would have had the common sense to un-press the window lock button by now!" Instead, I just looked and said, "No, there's no way its pressed. It's definitely the window. Everything on this car is falling apart!" Just as I finish, he reaches across the center console, clicks the window unlock button, and what do you know?! The window goes up like brand new. You've got to be shitting me.

Thursday, October 6, 2011


Yes, I am still alive. I've spent the last few weeks of my life moving all of my belongings (my XBOX, clothes, and baseball bats) from my old house to my new house which we just recently purchased. It's the first time I've bought a house for myself and I'm starting to learn I'm a complete amateur in the department of "making your new home livable so you won't go crazy". As I sit here with my computer, a little bit of food, and not much else, let me fill you in on my lessons learned over the past two weeks.

Lesson #1
Always set up your cable early

As many of you know I am obsessed with television. I get made fun of because one of my hobbies is to walk into Best Buy and roam the TV aisle, even though I have no intentions of buying one. I just think they are pretty, much like a woman views her pocketbooks. (Although I still feel pocketbooks are a waste of money.) It turns out, once a television is placed in your home without cable, it's not that fun to stare at anymore. I've had my television laying on the living room floor now for two weeks, still waiting for Verizon to come hook up my cable. I never knew it took more than two weeks for them to set the damn thing up. Do yourself a favor and plan the cable to be set up on your arrival date. Make sure to call a few weeks in advance, not a few days like I tried.

Lesson #2
Buy furniture

Why when we were kids was it fun to sit "Indian style"? Remember those days? It was like the cool thing to do. Well, I was a pretty big geek, so maybe that had something to do with it. Anyways, it's really not that fun anymore. At 26 years old it's painful to even try to get from a standing position to the floor, never mind trying to cross one leg over the other. The problem is, I have no furniture, so if you want to eat at my house you either stand, or sit on the floor. I learned this the hard way the first day I moved in here. I found the stairs much easier than the floor, but don't be like me. Order your furniture early and have it delivered the day you move in. Don't be like us and think, "we don't want just any table. We will be living here for years, lets hold off until we find something we love!" If you think like this you will be eating your fair share of dinners as such.

Lesson #3
Order your shower doors in advance

I was pretty excited. For the first time in my life I had a real shower, not a bath tub that also acts as one. Unfortunately, I won't be able to use it for three weeks, because that's how long it takes for glass doors to be made. By this time you're probably realizing I'm quite the procrastinator. I thought all these companies would drop everything they were doing to make sure my house was ready to live in the second I called. I've now learned that isn't the way things work, but Laura is the real one that suffers. Her job is to hold up the shower curtain for me.

Lesson #4
Buy some power tools

You think you're strong? I thought I possessed a decent amount of strength, at least more strength than my sister. Turns out, I'm not so sure anymore. I was assigned the task of installing the mailbox yesterday. No problem. Sounds easy enough to me. Turns out it's a complete pain in the ass. Two hours into the process I started to pray I struck oil and could retire and pay someone else to put my next mail box in. If you follow the directions, they recommend you dig to @#$%ing China to ensure your mailbox is properly installed. Don't think for one second doing this with your basic shovel is going to be a nice easy weekend job.

This was me before my neighbor came over to help (above). He has apparently installed a mailbox before. Because this was me after he came to the rescue (below).

Lesson # 5
Just buy an apartment

Enjoy your weekend!