Monday, December 20, 2010

I LOVE THE HOLIDAYS

Yesterday, I went to Barnes and Noble to buy a new book, The 4-Hour Body, by Tim Ferriss. I usually would never go shopping anywhere close to Christmas, but the book had just come out and I was looking forward to reading it. I realized pretty quickly that I had made a huge mistake. I'm not sure what people eat or drink before they decide to leave their house to do their holiday shopping, but it reminds me a little of that movie I Am Legend starring Will Smith, where when the sun goes down those scary looking things come out and try to eat your head off. People walk around and shop 10x faster during the Holidays. Even little old ladies on motorized carts turn into Ricky Bobby and want nothing more than to go fast. People are so afraid to miss something or let someone else buy something before they do. I'm not sure if they realized this, but Barnes and Noble has about 10 million books, and I'd bet they have more than one copy of their favorite literature.

I felt like a squirrel trying to cross a busy highway to get to all my buddies on the other side. Every time I took three steps I would have to stop and quickly look around before someone ran me over. At least in that case, most drivers would do whatever it takes to swerve quickly out of the way of our furry little friends. People shopping don't give a crap during the holiday season. I personally think they are looking for contact. If someone were to bump into you during a random day in July they would stop, apologize, and then walk slowly on their way. What ever happened to the Christmas spirit. People bump into you a week before Christmas, mumble to get the @&*% out of their way, lower their shoulder to get the all important Yards After Contact, and stumble their way into the end zone. Oh look, they have 48 copies of Harry Potter's volume 14 The Magic Wizard Stick, Touchdown!!!!

Outside there was an accident, about every fifteen minutes. Not only do people walk faster inside the mall, but they have no regard for any speed limit signs or any human life form in the parking lot. Yield to pedestrians on the cross walk? Yeah right. No passing over the double yellow line? Bite me. It's every man for himself out there, and if you get in some one's way you will pay the consequences. Pain! The damn parking lot is huge, but god forbid you would ever have to park and actually walk outside to your car. If holiday parking lot etiquette has anything to say about us, well, it says we're a bunch of assholes. The shitty part of this whole thing. I still haven't done my Christmas shopping yet. Shit.

This was actually one accident I saw when leaving the mall. I video taped it for you.

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